


the united tweets of america

by Anonymous



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Gen, the garbage twitter fic no one asked for
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-04-07 23:52:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19095526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: [eagle noises] @starsnstripes76tfw your kids find out you have a Twitter so you can’t deny them from having one anymoreaka All Hell Breaks Loose





	1. welcome to hell

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [twitter is onto something](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15625167) by [pomegranateboy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pomegranateboy/pseuds/pomegranateboy). 



[eagle noises] @starsnstripes76

tfw your kids find out you have a Twitter so you can’t deny them from having one anymore

 

bass-boosted x-files theme @timeconspiracy

i’m a little offended you don’t trust us pop

 

little my’s best friend @willwhaleforfood

rt

 

Yá’át’ééh @acforlife

rt

 

saw not sas @diamondsnjorts

rt

 

five star gal @staysexyandcode

rt

 

419.99 @pinkpolishpunk

rt

 

treat yourself @theletterof

rt

 

my twitter @dahlia87

rt

 

sunshine baby @julepower

rt

 

percy @peachlad

rt

 

cowabunga @poiboy

rt

 

the end is nigh @potatoguns

rt

 

this one is just an actual bear @deepdishgal

rt

 

faster than a speeding bullet @nyoom

rt

 

midwest belle @corncravat

rt

 

not dorothy @mompnfare

rt

 

a shortage of nurses @steelguitar2

rt

 

and razor boy @youbetterjazzit

rt

 

high five canada @lobsterbitch

rt

 

personality? who needs that @illegalcrabs

rt

 

[exasperated sigh] @longconnate

rt

 

dogs are better than people @wolverinefan01

rt

 

forecast is grim @thewe4therman

rt

 

spell me right @missmemissy

rt

 

[banjo noises] @frogprincess

rt

 

cowboys are gay @cantquitu

rt

 

lookout @cornqueen

rt

 

bolo more like yolo @radioactivealien

rt

 

love you too @starchild

rt

 

fuck new york @mylibertyisle

rt

 

catholic or protestant  @no1expects

rt 

 

fuck new jersey  @ogliberty

rt

 

mountains episode @th1ngone

rt

 

remember me @southcanada

rt

 

there’s nothing wrong with me @buckeyestud

rt

 

mama just killed a man @wherethewind

rt

 

anti self-pumping @trailsandtribulations

rt

 

hershey stan @prussiannew

rt

 

more clams @smallbutstronk

rt

 

beach episode @th1ngtwo

rt

 

wilder than jt @presidentslastchoice

rt

 

[harmonica noises] @riverboatboy

rt

 

blueberry in tomato soup @spursonme

rt

 

mr. price! @honeyhiive

rt

 

chillax @madmaple

rt

 

into the political abyss @constitutioncool

rt

 

i think therefore @pointlessrain

rt

 

the better virginia @wisteriawest

rt

 

cartwheels are a valid mode of transport @heterophobia

rt

 

DUM DUN DUN @fossilgay

rt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you're curious who's who and can't tell from the names, they rt in alphabetical order


	2. the russians / great lakes and friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the russians plan a trip and the great lakes kids argue. so tuesday

little my’s best friend @willwhaleforfood

@trailsandtribulations @pointlessrain you should come visit, it’s been forever (((

 

anti self-pumping @trailsandtribulations 

you forgot the eyes on your frowny face again hannah... but sure, once that blizzard blows over!

 

little my’s best friend @willwhaleforfood

it’s easier that way! >( why do you have to wait for the blizzard to stop tho?

 

i think therefore @pointlessrain

not all of us like going out in below zero degree weather, sestra 

 

little my’s best friend @willwhaleforfood

you have become too pampered logan. weak willed

 

i think therefore @pointlessrain

central heating is not a luxury, miss lives-in-the-middle-of-nowhere

 

anti self-pumping @trailsandtribulations

guys guys don’t fight! how about we go fishing together? it’ll be fun!

 

i think therefore @pointlessrain

that sounds...not terrible

 

little my’s best friend @willwhaleforfood

i can use the new pole D.C. got me for my birthday )

 

anti self-pumping @trailsandtribulations

great! let’s discuss details in the gc

 

i think therefore @pointlessrain

you’ve got to stop spoiling her someday lillia

 

anti self-pumping @trailsandtribulations

nah, you’re my little siblings! i’m gonna spoil your foreverrrr

 

* * *

hershey stan @prussiannew

ay-ay-ron is a punk ass bitch send tweet

 

dogs are better than people @wolverinefan01

what did he do this time? start another conflict and/or war?

 

there’s nothing wrong with me @buckeyestud

that was one time!

 

faster than a speeding bullet @nyoom

ahem

 

there’s nothing wrong with me @buckeyestud

...two times tops

 

a shortage of nurses @steelguitar2

what am I, chopped liver?

 

there’s nothing wrong with me @buckeyestud

no more than three times

 

hershey stan @prussiannew

four. and screw you asshole, I just got that maple syrup from daveed

 

there’s nothing wrong with me @buckeyestud

just ask him for more???

 

there’s nothing wrong with me @buckeyestud

ALSO YOU CAN’T COUNT THAT ONE, I WASN’T THERE

 

hershey stan @prussiannew

he’s only giving me a limited supply b/c I’m ‘possibly addicted’ and ‘need help’ or w/e

 

sunshine baby @julepower

i’m surprised you can convince him to do anything tbh. dude’s scary 

 

chillax @madmaple

i’m sorry to hear you feel that way, julius

 

chillax @madmaple

i will refill your supply later this week, gillian

 

hershey stan @prussiannew

yesss you’re the best

 

sunshine baby @julepower

i’m going to fucking die 

 

cowabunga @poiboy

rip


	3. movie night/ 23 and me / bft 2.0

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> colorado and california decide on a movie / arguments over wisconsin, the family bastard / kansas is in charge (conditionally)

five star gal @staysexyandcode

yo @pinkpolishpunk are you coming for a gold diggers’ movie night or what?

 

419.99 @pinkpolishpunk

i never agreed to that name

 

five star gal @staysexyandcode

whatever, i just want to know how much popcorn i need to make. so?

 

419.99 @pinkpolishpunk

what movie?

 

five star gal @staysexyandcode

brokeback mountain

 

cowboys are gay @cantquitu

you guys are watching brokeback and didn’t invite me? rude

 

DUN DUN DUN @fossilgay

rt

 

five star gal @staysexyandcode

you just quote the movie the whole time and then cry 

 

cowboys are gay @cantquitu

as it should be

 

419.99 @pinkpolishpunk

I’ll come if you let callahan come with me

 

five star gal @staysexyandcode

ugh fine but I warned you

 

cowboys are gay @cantquitu

WOO YEAH YOU’RE AN ACE LEO

 

DUN DUN DUN @fossilgay

:’(

 

five star gal @staysexyandcode

I guess kayden can come too

 

DUN DUN DUN @fossilgay

:D

 

five star gal @staysexyandcode

this isn’t even a gold diggers’ movie night anymore what gives 

 

* * *

bass-boosted x-files theme @timeconspiracy

petition to get @heterophobia to take a dna test to prove whether he’s a germanic or not

 

saw not sas @diamondsnjorts

those things are mostly pseudoscience you know. besides he’s def one of francis’, look at the hair!

 

into the political abyss @constitutioncool

nuh uh, he’s one of arthur’s since he wasn’t in the purchase

 

saw not sas @diamondsnjorts

he doesn’t even have the eyebrows!

 

[harmonica noises] @riverboatboy

I thought he was a scandinavian?

 

my twitter @dahlia87

his norwegian is passable

 

419.99 @pinkpolishpunk

his polish is better

 

the end is nigh @potatoguns

demographically, he’s likely a germanic

 

cartwheels are a valid mode of transport @heterophobia

bold of you to assume we have DNA

 

bass-boosted x-files theme @timeconspiracy

well Shit

 

* * *

hershey stan @prussiannew

@no1expects @diamondsnjorts don’t forget: BFT 2.0 meeting tonight!

 

Yá’át’ééh @acforlife

what are you idiots getting up to now?

 

catholic or protestant @no1expects

tis a secret 

 

saw not sas @diamondsnjorts

we don’t know yet, that’s why we’re having a meeting

 

catholic or protestant @no1expects

jo-jo! you’re ruining our mysterious allure

 

saw not sas @diamondsnjorts

lol what 

 

Yá’át’ééh @acforlife

please just don’t set anything on fire this time

 

saw not sas @diamondsnjorts

no promises

 

not dorothy @mompnfare

@starsnstripes76 exhibit A

 

hershey stan @prussiannew

WE HAVEN’T EVEN DONE ANYTHING YET YOU FUCKING SNITCH

 

not dorothy @mompnfare

then you have nothing to worry about, do you?

 

hershey stan @prussiannew

i will enact my revenge candace, just you wait

 

not dorothy @mompnfare

@starsnstripes76 exhibit B


	4. pride month baby

treat yourself @theletterof

it’s june which means pride! friendly reminder that stonewall was started by trans woc, aro/ace people are lgbt, cops and sin industries can fuck off!!

 

[banjo noises] @frogprincess

rt but when did we go back to calling them sin industries again?

 

bolo more like yolo @radioactivealien

we didn’t, oscar just loves a bit of drama. but he’s right. as an addict, pride can be difficult for me. there’s alcohol everywhere

 

mr. price! @honeyhiive

as always, I’m here if you need me gregor

 

bolo more like yolo @radioactivealien

thanks noah 

 

five star gal @staysexyandcode

rip to your eventual death by lemonade overdose 

 

419.99 @pinkpolishpunk

rip

 

Yá’át’ééh @acforlife

rip

 

catholic or protestant @no1expects

rip

 

* * *

419.99 @pinkpolishpunk

not to get all soapbox or w/e but why do cis people gotta be Like That

 

419.99 @pinkpolishpunk

just b/c I said I’m nb doesn’t give you the right to ask me invasive questions fucker! my transition is personal and private

 

419.99 @pinkpolishpunk

also my pronouns aren’t ‘preferred’ they’re my fucking pronouns. use my name if xe/xim is too tough to wrap your brain around. 

 

419.99 @pinkpolishpunk

also also it’s not my job to educate you on all things trans. google exists for a reason

 

419.99 @pinkpolishpunk

soapbox over. Down With Cis

 

Yá’át’ééh @acforlife

if I may add an additional point, leo?

 

419.99 @pinkpolishpunk

go for it kay

 

Yá’át’ééh @acforlife

please have more respect for fluidity. the occasional mistake is understandable, even I do it to myself sometimes, but if you consistently use an incorrect name/set of pronouns, even if they were once applicable, you’re misgendering them

 

Yá’át’ééh @acforlife

it’s not that difficult

 

Yá’át’ééh @acforlife

and to those who would say gender fluidity isn’t a thing, that it’s a phase, I ask you this. what is a permanent state of self? you are not the person you were yesterday, nor the person you will be tomorrow

 

Yá’át’ééh @acforlife

existence is transitive. use the correct pronouns

 

i think therefore @pointlessrain

rt

 

* * *

saw not sas @diamondsnjorts

being pansexual is a curse and a blessing b/c everyone is hot but also *everyone* is hot

 

saw not sas @diamondsnjorts

the world is populated with pretty boys, fetching ladies, dazzling people of all types; my heart can’t take it!

 

percy @peachlad

it’s true, once she saw a girl in a dress with frogs all over it and ended up running into a pole

 

catholic or protestant @no1expects

that’s nothing. once we were mid-heist and she stopped to tell this guy his eyes were beautiful. nearly blew the whole thing

 

saw not sas @diamondsnjorts

i didn’t come here to be dragged and yet

 

* * *

love you too @starchild

shoutout to all the closeted people this pride. whether for safety or personal preference, all of you are wonderful and deserve admiration, respect, and love

 

love you too @starchild

related to that, thank you @starsnstripes76 for accepting us always and without question. we may not always agree, but you’re the best dad anyone could hope for <3

 

PROUD DAD @starsnstripes76

kid you can’t just drop this on me I started crying in the middle of a meeting 

 

PROUD DAD @starsnstripes76

I love you punks even though arthur is definitely going to end up cursing my phone

 

and razor boy @youbetterjazzit

tom really is the epitome of kill them with kindness isn’t he

 

high five canada @lobsterbitch

he’s the sort of person who would actually be happy to help you move

 

love you too @starchild

of course i would! are you planning to change domiciles, sabrina?

 

high five canada @lobsterbitch

not at the moment bud but I’ll let you know

 

419.99 @pinkpolishpunk

tom and noah are the only valid ones honestly


	5. deep in the heart of

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the many misadventures of texas

blueberry in tomato soup @spursonme

texas-shaped waffles are the best type of waffle and that is a Fact

 

mama just killed a man @wherethewind

narcissistic much J.T.

 

blueberry in tomato soup @spursonme

yes but that doesn’t mean it’s not true

 

mama just killed a man @wherethewind

why then, pray tell, are they the best?

 

blueberry in tomato soup @spursonme

they’re not sharp like square waffles and easily choppable into bite-sized bits! i always eat the panhandle last

 

mama just killed a man @wherethewind

you mean your sad excuse for a panhandle

 

blueberry in tomato soup @spursonme

at least people actually live in amarillo 

 

mama just killed a man @wherethewind

at least my people can actually pronounce the spanish word for yellow 

 

blueberry in tomato soup @spursonme

IT’S AN AESTHETIC CHOICE MICHEAL 

 

* * *

blueberry in tomato soup @spursonme

callout post for @youbetterjazzit

  * made the word yes two syllables somehow
  * thinks she’s better than me



 

and razor boy @youbetterjazzit

i am better than you, ye-es sir

 

blueberry in tomato soup @spursonme

oh yea? what do you have that I don’t ellie?

 

and razor boy @youbetterjazzit

culture, mostly

 

blueberry in tomato soup @spursonme

i’ve got plenty of culture! like uh... buc-ees and NASA

 

and razor boy @youbetterjazzit

the fact that your beaver gas station is an example of ‘culture’ only proves my point

 

and razor boy @youbetterjazzit

and you know who else has NASA? jule.

 

blueberry in tomato soup @spursonme

damn, i am screwed

 

sunshine baby @julepower

fucking rude y’all

 

* * *

blueberry in tomato soup @spursonme

hey @thewe4therman it was nice and sunny this morning and now there’s a tornado warning so uh wtf

 

forecast is grim @thewe4therman

well it’s likely that a storm was already brewing and owing to the natural temperature differentials and high humidity of the area the possibility of tornados increased substantially 

 

forecast is grim @thewe4therman

you’re actually predisposed to a lot of extreme weather and rapid transition between their states due to your variety of biomes

 

catholic or protestant @no1expects

he’s also predisposed to rapid transition between emotional states

 

catholic or protestant @no1expects

dude once started crying b/c he thought about Galveston’s poor infrastructure and then immediately got distracted by a field of bluebells

 

blueberry in tomato soup @spursonme

i came out to pester randall about weather, not to get dragged

 

catholic or protestant @no1expects

;p

 

* * *

fuck new jersey @ogliberty

anyone got an idea why daveed’s so grouchy? dodging knives is not my idea of a good time

 

fuck new york @mylibertyisle

serves you right, dickweed

 

fuck new jersey @ogliberty

anyone who’s not sofia got an idea?

 

more clams @smallbutstronk

he’s fighting with J.T

 

fuck new jersey @ogliberty

over what??? 

 

more clams @smallbutstronk

ice cream

 

chillax @madmaple

Ben and Jerry’s are the greatest frozen confection makers in the world, but he refuses to see reason

 

blueberry in tomato soup @spursonme

it’s cause you’re /wrong/! bluebell has the best ice cream and don’t you dare suggest otherwise 

 

chillax @madmaple

your foolish opinions are going to make you very sick one day. no wait, that’s just your ice cream 

 

blueberry in tomato soup @spursonme

the listeria outbreak was an accident and there are proper protocols in place now! and it doesn’t change the fact that flavor wise, it’s better. subtle

 

chillax @madmaple

another way of saying weak

 

blueberry in tomato soup @spursonme

jesus you’re stubborn

 

catholic or protestant @no1expects

you rang?

 

blueberry in tomato soup @spursonme

HOW DID YOU GET IN MY HOUSE MAN

 

catholic or protestant @no1expects

just living up to my name :)

 

blueberry in tomato soup @spursonme

this is never as funny as you seem to think

 

blueberry in tomato soup @spursonme

i’m going to throw him out but this isn’t over daveed, I will convert you to the light

 

chillax @madmaple

we’ll see

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess which state the author is from lmao


	6. a germanic family visit (ft. harley)

hershey stan @prussiannew

it’s a real tragedy when your son is less tech savvy than yourself

 

hershey stan @prussiannew

he tried to find a travel agent to get his plane ticket to come visit and I had to explain those aren’t a thing anymore 

 

hershey stan @prussiannew

I blame gregor for letting him be so isolated

 

bolo more like yolo @radioactivealien

just b/c mo lives closer to me doesn’t mean he actually listens to a word I say

 

hershey stan @prussiannew

in any case, press f to pay respects

 

cowabunga @poiboy

f

 

catholic or protestant @no1expects

f

 

saw not sas @diamondsnjorts

f

 

bolo more like yolo @radioactivealien

f

 

* * *

hershey stan @prussiannew

i can’t believe you’re bringing paperwork with you on your visit west! this is clearly the sign of a workaholic :<

 

the end is nigh @potatoguns

as the manager of the regional meetings it would be irresponsible of me to cease work entirely 

 

the end is nigh @potatoguns

nevertheless, I will try to keep it to a minimum

 

hershey stan @prussiannew

well i guess it wouldn’t be you if you did turn off adelaide 

 

hershey stan @prussiannew

it’s a shame walt can’t come tho, then it’d be a full on germanic reunion >:D

 

spell me right @missmemissy

did we end up agreeing he was a germanic?

 

hershey stan @prussiannew

his love of cheese, frugality, and mechanical engineering makes him an honorary one at least

 

cartwheels are a valid mode of transport @heterophobia

thanks! i can come by to visit in a couple of weeks if you’d like

 

hershey stan @prussiannew

sounds like a plan man

 

* * *

hershey stan @prussiannew

hey @potatogun my meeting with lance is running late can you go meet up with the kid at laguardia, gate 27

 

harley @potatogun

yea sure np boss

 

personality? who needs that @illegalcrabs

...should we tell her that isn’t adelaide’s handle

 

fuck new jersey @ogliberty

nah let’s see how far this thing goes 

 

* * *

harley @potatogun

PSA fellow sciency children, do not stay up all night working on a project, you might end up accidentally agreeing to meet a stranger at an airport

 

a shortage of nurses @steelguitar2

@potatogun did you actually go lmao

 

harley @potatogun

yea i figure I should tell ‘em their ride’s delayed since i’m already here 

 

harley @potatogun

i’m looking around but all the kids seem to have guardians 

 

a shortage of nurses @steelguitar2

he’s the surly looking one in the sunglasses, possibly some military regalia

 

harley @potatogun

holy shit this guy is scary? i feel like he’s gonna stuff me in a trunk and dump my body in the desert

 

bolo more like yolo @radioactivealien

nah he only did that the one time 

 

harley @potatogun

if I die don’t let peter have any of my stuff

 

five star gal @staysexyandcode

it’s been a while, I hope he’s alright

 

bolo more like yolo @radioactivealien

what’s this? gabriella maria jones actually caring about another human?

 

five star gal @staysexyandcode

shut up greg, you know D.C. will get pissy if something happens

 

harley @potatogun

i’m not dead but I am confused? apparently he’s here to ‘get recon in the war against my grandfather.’ and that ‘information is the key to survival’???

 

catholic or protestant @no1expects

ha, classic mo! dw he’s bluffing, he already knows gilbert’s weak points. he just doesn’t want to admit he wants to see his mom

 

harley @potatogun

that’s sweet ig but does that mean he’s actually at war with his grandpa?

 

the end is nigh @potatoguns

not officially. apologies for getting you mixed up in this, i imagine you have better things to do. i’ll be there in 4.67 minutes

 

* * *

harley @potatogun

well today’s been even weirder than usual

 

harley @potatogun

I think the avengers might be less convoluted than whatever’s going on with the jones family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a quick nod to my inspiration for this fic


End file.
